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Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
It`s gonna be hotter than Billy Ray Cyrus after watching his daughters performance on the VMA`s tomorrow!
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
people say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but it`s the only way I can talk to you.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.