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To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!