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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
My inner self is in Photoshop
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords