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All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.