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Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.