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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?