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The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
I flunked anger management class.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
No really I`m fine, I have drugs and alcohol to block out reality, but thanks anyway...
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?