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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.