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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.