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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?