Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
That`s not how I met your mother.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.