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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.
Bad decisions make good stories.