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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
Hey Monday+?+(???) +?+
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.