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If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.