Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards