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Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.