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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.