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Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
The point is... Is Imma hug you like a panda nd you`re gunna like it.!(: