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Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.