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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…