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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.