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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross...
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.