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I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?