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Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.