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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
Worries about the economy grow again after the world`s biggest yacht-selling company announce a drop in sails
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.