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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
Cashiers are always checking me out.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
Guys would stay home longer if boobs came in a 30 pack.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.