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Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!