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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.