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I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.