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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.