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Some days are just not meant to be productive.
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.