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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
Long story short, I love summaries.
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."