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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.