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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
As if " cray cray" wasn`t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to " cray"....that`s just stu stu
( )( ) =( `-` )= <( . )> ("`)("`) bunny!!
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.