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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
What number SPF blocks people?
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it