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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Don`t believe everything you think.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"