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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don`t f*cking care
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.