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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Creating a password in this day and age After the 9th try OKNowI`mReallyMad50BoiledCabbagesUpYourArseIfYouDon`tGiveMeAccessImmediately! `Sorry, that password is already in use`
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them