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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
Yes I am a bad boy ... But your the one that`s going to get spanked.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?