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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Most problems can be solved with nudity
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned