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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.