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I put the o in illiterate!
They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.