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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.