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The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
"..::. :.:.. ::...: .:. :.:: ::.: ..::. :: ::.:..." - Stevie Wonder-
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”