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Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.