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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah`s witnesses of the internet.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....