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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
I would like to remind everyone it`s not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights