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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...