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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
I want it all and I want it delivered.
I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.