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Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
Lady`s if you want guys to look at your face instead of your chest ... eat a banana.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.