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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
If Trump wins I`m leaving the country. If Hillary wins I`m leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.