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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?