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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.