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Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!