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Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?