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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".