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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
My life coach just benched me.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.