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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
Lol at birds that walk places.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
The problem with you is ... you exist.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.