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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.