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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
Stalin should have known communism doesn`t work. There were red flags everywhere.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
I try to live each day like it`s my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.