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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.