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3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.