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Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"