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Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
It´s never to late to be happy
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!