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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.