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It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
"May the 4th" be with you!
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
I`m never free but I`m available.
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."