Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. Iām feeling pretty awesome!!