Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
I just called. To say. I texted you.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.