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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
This day needs more yesterday.
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.