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I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
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