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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.