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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.