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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.