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I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
Share this if you are weird and don`t care
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.