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So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.