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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.