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Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached