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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
2 words, 1 finger.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!