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My favorite part of the day? The food part.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.