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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia and you`ll see a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.