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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.