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I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
roses are red violets are blue da shit in my back yard looks jus like you