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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.