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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
I see the Seven Deadly Sins as more of a To-Do list.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours