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You`re the reason I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to goto work.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.