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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
You had me at 0 mutual friends