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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
R2-D2 from Star Wars, still holds the record for most curse words in a movie.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
My anger management class pisses me off
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?