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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Being an American is awesome. The end.