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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.