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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
But what if bygones want to be something else? ;)
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
This recliner and I go way back.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.