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I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...