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Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
It`s funny how this guy grating cheese over my pasta thinks I`m going to say stop.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My brain has too many tabs open.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.