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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
With the promise of Free Drinks or Food, I’m willing to go pretty much anywhere.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.